


The Path of Least Stink

by SwordsAndSoftWords



Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Aiden doesn't have time for you bullshit, First Meetings, M/M, Potty mouth Lambert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:08:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27741280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SwordsAndSoftWords/pseuds/SwordsAndSoftWords
Summary: Lambert and Aiden meet. They're idiots.“Did you listen to a word I just said?”“Yeah, absolutely. No, you didn’t come from the town to the north.”“And after that?”“Listen, assbreath, you can’t expect me to listen to everything you say. You don’t seem the kind to stop talking. Ever.”
Relationships: Aiden/Lambert (The Witcher)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 38





	The Path of Least Stink

**Author's Note:**

> I seem to believe, deep in my soul, that Lambert is a horrible smelly man constantly covered in crap. It’s not the first time I have done this to him, and I know it in my heart it will not be the last. This is meant to be funny and light-hearted and this fandom’s 359th version of how these two rabid men met. I love them, your Honour.  
> Working title for this was "Sunshine, but make it smelly" which was somehow better than the official title but that's life for you...  
> As I reread this I realised I wrote half in the present and half in the past tense; I tried to fix most of it, but I’m sure I missed more than a couple. So sorry, guys, it’s the combination of ADHD and a very moderate dyslexia! English isn't my first language. If you spot any typos, let me know.

It was in a shit town somewhere in the north of Temeria. Or maybe he was still in the southernmost part of Redania? At this point who even knew. Or cared. He certainly didn’t because there’s an ugly ogre trying to kill him and honestly he’s just a little bit done with this fucking day, thank you very much. At this point all he wants is to pack his shit and maybe disappear into the mountains for a week or fifteen. The man that hired him was dead, he was not getting paid, and this stupid ogre was trying to make mince out of him. If he was being honest, which he tried never to be, Lambert had had better days. Like when he’d broken four different ribs that one time he fell off a cliff fighting a foglet or when Geralt had shoved him off a window and he broke both his legs. So, when something blurs out from a tree, stabs the ogre in the head with a silver sword, and the ogre promptly falls dead right on top of him, it is very understandable that Lambert loses his shit.

“What the ever loving fuck, what the shitting fucking cock sucking shit is this?”, Lambert screams, politely.

A head peaks from over the dead ogre’s body, with raised eyebrows and looking a little like a disgruntled cat.

“Well, you were taking your time and honestly, no offense, I was getting a little bored”, Disgruntled Cat™ says, like they’re both having a lovely cup of tea by a fire.

“Who in the bullshiting horseshit are you?”, Lambert asks, with what he’s sure is just as pleasant a tone.

“Well, since you ask so nicely, I’m Aiden. Hi, nice to meet you.”

Lambert’s appalled at the nerve Disgruntled Cat™ has, especially as he stretches his arm over the ogre’s rotting body (he smelled like he was rotting, at least) as if to shake Lambert’s hand. Hand which, and caused entirely by this Disgruntled Cat™ parody of a man, is still stuck under the aforementioned body rotting on top of him. He’ll never be able to wash the stink out these clothes, Lambert thinks mournfully.

“I don’t give a shit, you twat. Do you mind getting this piece of rotting skunk off of me?”

Disgruntled Cat™ (Aiden, whatever) gives him an all too pleased look as he answers:

“You know, I think I’d rather not. You are being, after all, quite a little bit rude. I don’t even know your name yet, and who’s to say a strange Witcher won’t simply kill me as soon as he’s able to reach for his swords?”

“I’ll fucking show you! Let me off, you stinking son of a whore!”

“Hm, I do rather believe you’re the stinking one, you know? Look at that, you’re covered in an ogre which, to be quite honest with you, smelled rather ripe when he was alive. Now he smells like he’s rapidly decomposing and also like he shat himself as he died. Which he did, if you’re wondering. I can see undeniable proof from where I’m standing and honestly, I should just take my proof of death and go collect my reward”, Aiden seems to be talking to an invisible audience of his peers, because he’s certainly ignoring Lambert, and he’s gearing up to continue talking.

“Oi, cuntface! Stop with that shit and help me out! This is your fault anyway!”

Aiden gives him his patented Disgruntled Cat™ face again, as if he had already forgotten Lambert was indeed still lying under the dead beast.

“I’ll help you if you tell me your name first, thank you!”, Aiden says with such cheer that Lambert’s anger can only double.

“I will… fucking… murder you, you dipshit arsecock! Get me out, now!”

“Name, please!”, Aiden sing-songs.

“Fine! Name’s Lambert, you arsehole, now get me out!”

Aiden’s smile falters on his face for a split of a second, and then comes back full force.

“Oh my! A mighty Wolf in need of my assistance. Well, of course I’ll help you, Lambert, with pleasure”, Aiden answers while heaving the dead body from off of Lambert, who finally manages to get a deep breath.

He also manages, for the first time, to get a good look at Aiden. And at the medallion around Aiden’s neck.

“Just my fucking luck, I guess. An assassin then”, Lambert spits while recovering his swords.

He could maybe be forgiven for being distracted for the grand total of no seconds at all that took before Aiden had him up against a tree with a blade at his throat and another dangerously close to a part of his anatomy he would miss far more dearly. It was the smell of rotting, shit, and knowing he wasn’t getting paid that lingered over him that masked up Aiden’s approach, he was certain.

“Listen here, you dipshit. I gave you a chance but all you seemed to be doing with the stinking thing was dancing the waltz. So I did what I was paid to do, which was to actually kill the ogre. It’s not my fault you’re slower than my dead grandmother who, if you’re wondering, has probably been dead for longer than you’ve been on this earth. And yet… I tried to be polite and all you did was whine and complain. I helped you, when I didn’t have to, by the way, because I could smell your wet dog smell from half a town away and I actually know full well the long history between our Schools. So the least you could do, mutt, was treat me with a modicum of politeness and not make assumptions about my character before you even bothered speaking more than 3 words my way that weren’t swears”, Aiden speaks calmly but his daggers continue digging into uncomfortable places. “Now, I was going to offer to split my reward for the ogre because this was so much easier than it would have been without you prancing about distracting it, but I think I changed my mind. You see, I don’t like to have aspersions cast on my character before midday.”

Aiden steps back and Lambert finally takes a deep breath without having to worry that it might come with castration. Aiden has already turned his back on him and started cutting off the ogre’s head. Lambert has never been short for words in his entire life, and he would never admit to be speechless now just because of some Cat with an attitude. Aiden’s done with the head by the time Lambert finally speaks, but only because he was being patient and absolutely not because he had no idea how to politely ask this.

“So… _have_ you ever taken a human contract?”

Aiden sighs and gives him an exasperated look.

“You know, most people try to approach the subject with a modicum of subtlety, especially after they realise I can, in fact, kill them.”

“Fuck that. Yes or no, Aiden?”

“Yes,” Aiden’s voice is clear and sure. Lambert is begrudgingly impressed. “I have. And I assure you that every human I’ve ever killed was far more monstrous than this poor ogre ever was or would be.”

Lambert stares into Aiden’s green-gold eyes for a long time. Eventually though the smell starts really getting to him and he almost gags. Aiden, who so far has stared right back at him inflexibly, starts laughing so hard he nearly bends in half.

“Oh my gods, what was that? Lambert, honestly, you looked like you just suddenly remembered you were covered in shit. I can’t believe this was the funniest thing I’ve seen in weeks. You are absolutely hilarious, I can’t believe it”, Aiden gasps in between laughs and attempted breaths.

“Yeah, yeah, cuntface. Listen, I have to go back for my shit and to have a bath, and I’m very likely going to burn these clothes. Are you coming from that shithole on the north?”

“No”, Aiden shakes his head and Lambert notices how his curls bounce around, catching the light. Wait, what?

“… Lambert?”

“Hm?”

“Did you listen to a word I just said?”

“Yeah, absolutely. No, you didn’t come from the town to the north.”

“And after that?”

“Listen, assbreath, you can’t expect me to listen to everything you say. You don’t seem the kind to stop talking. Ever.”

Aiden gasps in mock offense, but there’s a smile on his face as he moves his arm as if to punch Lambert’s arm. Except, half the way there, he realises Lambert’s smell and gives up.

“Alright, first of all, you don’t know me like that. I do stop talking quite often. Sometimes I’m eating, sometimes I’m sleeping, sometimes I’m out of breath because some clown made me laugh so hard I couldn’t breathe. Second of all, I was saying that, if you’re willing to play nice for a bit, you could come with me. We can share the payment and I’ll even pay for a bath for you. You seem like you need it, honestly, that hair alone is making me want to shove you in a horse trough and scrub until I can see what colour it originally was.”

It’s Lambert’s turn to fake offense and, because he is in fact an arsehole, he reaches out his hand and rubs it all over Aiden’s too-clean shirt. Aiden lets out a small scream of disgust at this and tries to get away but Lambert follows and soon they’re running in the opposite direction Lambert had come from. They slow down after a while and Lambert thinks he can demonstrate he has the ability to indeed be polite:

“So, bitchtits, you sure you’re not just drawing me into these shitting woods to kill me and keep my head as a fucking trophy?”

“Listen, I’d never keep your head as a trophy. A hand, maybe, or your dick, if you insist on being an unbearable little shit. Why, are you scared of the big bad Cat Witcher?”

Lambert snorts.

“I’m pretty sure you’re more afraid of my smell than I’ll ever be afraid of you, pussytwat. I just don’t know why you’re offering to share your payment with me. Sounds dodgy, at best, and downright like a trap if I think about it too long.”

Aiden stops in front of him, halting Lambert on his path of stink.

“Number one, Lambert, for the love of whatever gods you worship, stop just using random combinations of swears. It makes me want to throttle you but you smell; so if I can’t punch you, you can’t use those horrifying offenses at the English language. Number two, you’re the one who’s fully convinced I’m a bad guy. I’m just another Witcher, I know what it’s like being stiffed on a contract, especially around places like these, between nowhere and the end of the fucking world. Also, I can see bones poking through places where bones have no place being, so forgive me for being willing to share my money and food with you. You remind me of those abandoned mutts on the streets, and I’m an emotional guy, yeah? I have feelings, Lambert, and my heart gets tugged when I see a sad puppy. You’re the saddest puppy I’ve ever met, you arsehole, so you’re taking the money, you’re taking the bath, and you’re taking the food. After that, you can fuck the fuck off. Any further questions? Because honestly this thing stinks” Aiden waves the ogre’s head in front of Lambert face, making him gag again, “and I want to get rid of it.”

“You call me a street mutt one more time, you cuntpuddle, and I’ll stab you in the kidneys.”

“I’d like to watch you try, sunshine”, Aiden answers with a bright smile and continues on his way.

There’s worse things, Lambert thinks as he follows. There was that time he broke a tooth because Eskel accidentally elbowed him in the face and that time he was stuck under a dead ogre. Following a Cat with a promise of payment, a warm food and a bath isn’t so bad. Plus he owes the fucker at least a clean punch for calling him a puppy. Lambert’s day may actually be looking up.


End file.
